Anibunny (anibunny) wrote,

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I am feeling a little uncomfortable and I guess...a bit axious.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family has dysfunctional situations feeling "comfortable" to me. Of course I don't like it but...

Whenever I find myself around a, well, healthy and functional family I feel so incredibly out of place. An outsider. Dirty. Unwanted. And just...uncomfortable. Like, I don't know how to handle myself. It is an incredibly surreal experience.

And I know that these people have no idea what is going on in my head or that I am feeling uncomfortable and uncertain. They are very inclusive and very friendly. I know all the negative feelings are just in my head. They aren't doing anything wrong and neither am I. But in a way, that calmness...that normalcy...slowly becomes terrifying.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family is something I got use to. It is oddly...predictable. I may not know when my mother would go into a rage or my father would fall into silence and vanish...but I knew it would happen. It always happened. It would continue to happen.

So...when I find myself placed in a functional feels unpredictable. I stand on the edge waiting for an explosion to go off from a bomb that doesn't exist.

It's something that has been on my mind.

Recently I found myself at someone's house. They live in a converted apartment attached to their parents' house. I heard his parents fighting and screaming. Things slamming and so forth. Chaos. And I felt oddly comfortable with it.

Also recently, I was invited to dinner with Adem's family. I've met his family and seen his family on a few occasions and I am still get nervous and anxious each time. I want to find comfort in it...but it isn't easy. I guess it will take time.

Sometimes I wonder what his parents will think if they ever met mine.
Tags: family, ramble
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