It was a lot of fun.
Then of course today started with my alarm clock going off at 6:01 and I found myself not wanting to move. It wasn't anywhere as bad that morning a month or so ago where the thought of getting up would make me cry. It was just I didn't want to go to work and I know so many people say that every single day. But the feeling is so strong that it because a very difficult chore to sit up, get up, and then get ready.
I am very depressed. I am still very depressed. The pills take the edge off and help me from crying at work. Let's face it, when your job makes you so absolutely miserable, there isn't a whole lot you can control to fix it. I'm actively looking for a job, even applying to places I feel under or overqualified for. Just the economy is shit. I didn't get the job in Monterey because another candidate had 10 years of experience doing exactly what the job was for. Very specific and I obviously can't compete against that. I know how much the job was paying. I would have been taking a 10,000 to 8,000 pay decrease had I received the job...so I can't imagine what the decrease is for the person who actually got it.
That's the economy we live in right now and I want to punch things when I hear people say, "But things are so much better now!" Yeah. Things are better, but they aren't good still.
So, I hate my job (like really hate my job), blah blah blah. I've been struggling not to fall into what therapy has taught me as coping behavior, but...I've come to realize that sometimes it is okay. I know in therapy she talked about how it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I guess I just I have worked hard in avoiding it all together. As long as I am actively looking for a new job and not falling into self-harming as a way to cope, I am okay. Because, seriously. Being miserable for 45 hours a week or more is exhausting. I need some sort of distraction to help me get through this until I finally have a new job.
My escape of choice? Video games.
Final Fantasy Tactics and Skyrim are my escapes at the moment. Playing FFT on the PSP and spending so much time trying to get Ramza to be a Dark Knight. Yeah. I am like at level 80 something which is the highest level I have ever been in the game. Oi. I am also right at the end and trying out different characters like Reis and such.
Skyrim is amazing. I suck at first-person like games and so some of the things I do in that game are hilarious, but I am getting the hang of it. I find the story and graphics amazing. As someone who is use to RPGs exclusively and the type of player who needs to get ALL THE EXTRAS and ALL THE SECRETS, it is a bit overwhelming to play in a world that is so open. It is impossible to get all the secrets and stuff since you have to constantly make choices that change things. And not surprising, there isn't really "good guys" in the game. At one point I was thinking to myself that both the Imperials and Stormcloaks suck in some way, so why can't I just side with the dragons instead? Even though the dragons want to kill me. . .
I am also doing some reading.
All of this is probably why I haven't done anything, well, productive. Depression sucks.