Maren says it's great that I have been able to move on and learn from the experience. But she doesn't think I've recovered from the emotions I felt that day. Like, I've dealt with the experience, how my dad reacted to it, but never dealt with the feelings and emotions that drove me to try.
I didn't really understand, but I started to tear up as she asked me to describe how I felt that day. I did a little bit.
She said if I feel up to it, that we will work on it next session.
It sucks, man. It sucks. It's the worst fucking feeling in the world.
I'm realizing that I have never talked about how I felt or what I was going through. I just tell people that my mother told me the one thing that completely shattered me. That I wouldn't be able to succeed. That I was crying so much and in so much physical pain from crying.
But never really thought or expressed how I felt inside. Even my poem I wrote after the attempt was just my physical experience. The therapy I went into after my attempt, we didn't discuss it really either. Just dealing with my mother.
Appointments are scheduled at the beginning of the session and I just so happened to schedule my next appointment on the 27th.
I'll write more in detail about it when I have more time.