Anibunny (anibunny) wrote,
Anibunny
anibunny

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Mother Follow-up

It's not just about the cat. It's the way she handles things. It's the way she treats other people and talks to people when she's upset. She's the type of person who constantly digs for praise and constantly expects people to feel sorry for her. She's the type of person who wants you to feel bad when she feels bad.

We all get depressed. It happens.

But there is a big difference between being depressed and having loving people recognize this and come be there for you and being the person who expects to be hand-fed compliments and reassurance at a finger snap. After so long of the latter, you can't blame people who get fed up with that shit and don't put up with it.

My entire life I've had this with my mother. And I've finally gotten better and not putting up with it.

Usually it's about stupid shit that isn't my problem anyway. So when I started learning how to not deal with it, it wasn't too hard. Like, she would always come to me to complain about how what a horrible man my father is because he forgot to start the coffee pot in the morning for her and how ALL MEN are stupid and how she can't believe that she (or anyone) can put up with the "really stupid fucking shit" my dad does. (I'M NOT KIDDING. THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT SHE COMPLAINS ABOUT.)

Before I would just listen to her and let her go off on my dad and tell her it's okay and that maybe someday my ad would "get it". Now I can say, "I really don't want to hear about it." and if she continues going off, I physically walk away or hang up. I've done that now. It's worked wonderfully.

And yeah, when it is stuff about my dad, it is kinda of personal. I love him dearly and he is important to me. But. He's another person. He has his own choices and life and even though I constantly want to scream, "GET A DIVORCE, PLEASE!" at him. . .I help him in other ways the best I can.

But this time it involves "my cat". And that's a different situation.

It caught me off guard. I wasn't prepared. I didn't know how to react or respond. Only panic sank in and I lost it as suddenly a huge new problem for me feel onto my shoulders all of a sudden.

I feel like any sane person would have been like: "I don't think I can continue to care for your cat any longer. Would it be okay if I tried to find a new home for him?" And yeah, I would be sad, but it is completely understandable. But no.

We talked more about it yesterday and it became even more obvious how my suspicion was right. She just wanted attention.

Me: You should try putting an ad out in the paper to find him a new home
Mother: Already did that. No one wants him and (person we got Artemis from) already has cats
Me: I'll help you put out an ad on craigslist
Mother: No. I don't like craigslist

So, you're not actually wanting to find a new home for Artemis. And as the conversation continued I found out that she just got upset because the night she texted me saying she couldn't handle him anymore. . .he bit her. So obviously there had been no ad in the newspaper. You're just mad. She then compared Artemis to Coda. . .a feral cat I owned before Fleece.

A feral cat =/= domesticated cat. I'm not a fucking cat expert, but I have NEVER met a cat like Coda. You know how vicious dogs will get aggressive or bite when you try to take their food away? I am pretty damn certain that if I had ever done that with Coda, he would have eaten my hand off to the wrist. I have scars from that cat. I am pretty damn certain that Artemis can't even compare to Coda.

And you know what? I was still able to find Coda a home. Tri-Cities is a fucking agricultural area. There is most definitely a farmer who would love a good mouser. If CODA could get a good home, Artemis could too. And when I met the woman who ended up taking Coda, I was very honest about Coda's temperament. I didn't paint him up as being a "wonderful lap cat."

Ugh.

So I changed the conversation since it was obviously not about the cat. I calmly flat out told my mother that I feel like she was trying to get sympathy from me and that she just wanted to make me feel bad for her. I explained I was tired of hurting and ever since I started standing up for myself that things have been bad. I then asked if maybe I shouldn't come by next week since I don't want any animosity between us to ruin my trip and made a point of saying, it's not healthy for either of us. If it would be better for the both of us if I don't come by, fine.

It was hard for me to say all that, but I needed to say it.

And what she said back, I wasn't expecting. To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting. She apologized for her misplaced anger and how she didn't want to spoil my vacation and so she would understand if I didn't stop by at the house next week.

It was like I was talking to another person all of a sudden. So I told her that I still wanted to see her.

I mean, we will never have a good child-parent relationship. But no matter how much she drives me crazy and how at times I feel like I hate her and find her to be such a cruel person, there are other times where I do feel some love. Where I do feel thankful for her. She has done some things for me that I am thankful for.

I'm just trying to figure out where and what kind of relationship I can have with her.
Tags: family, mother, tl;dr
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