It's been weird. The past two-three years I've been trying to draw a comic of myself talking to myself. I posted a drawing from my first attempt on deviantArt: Crying Girl.
When I moved to Spokane, emotional time for me. Did a lot of growing. And the comic I had in mind grew a bit. Two parts really. But I can't seem to draw it. Even when I tried to draw myself as the anibunny instead of an actual person.
So instead, I'll just describe it, because I really want to talk about what is going on in my head.
My childhood was not very easy on me. My therapist in Spokane asked me what age I feel like when I break down and upset over things relating to my family and I hazard a guess of 10-12 years old. I just think to a time where I was standing in the entrance of my house, crying, and feeling like my parents forgotten me and didn't love me. You see, I played basketball for middle school and they told me they would come get me after practice one day. I waited after practice for an hour before I walked all the way home. . .just over a mile away and nearly a half hour by foot. I couldn't call anyone because the school was closed and I had no money for a bus.
As soon as I stepped in, crying ( I was pretty much crying the whole way ), my mother looked up from the couch and I remember her face to this day. She was angry and asked what "my problem" was. And I said, "I thought you forgot about me." and she started yelling at me about how she doesn't feel good and my dad had to drive her to the doctor. She also said that I should be more considerate and that this was more important.
I went to my room and just cried inside my closet.
My comic would start with that. Not that day or moment, just a crying little girl. Feeling all alone and feeling like her mother doesn't love her and feeling like she's not good enough for her dad. And I would show up, in a suit and tie, and sit down next to her.
I would ask her what's wrong and she would tell me. . .basically what I explained to you. I tell her that I can be there for her, that I can stand up for her, and support her. Growing up, I could only depend on myself. . .that's what it represents.
But I was such a broken human being and it is amazing I survived it. She would only be staring at me, not understanding and so I would relate it to something completely different.
As dumb as it sounds, I would tell her what I like to do when I would feel all alone. When I feel like I didn't have any confidence in myself. I would think about someone who I admire or look up to and do my best to be like them. To be like the qualities I desire and even, to be better than them.
So I ask her if I can be her Graham for her, since that's who I get inspiration from now. And she smiles and says instead, "I like Batman!" I laugh and tell her I can be Batman for her, pick her up and hold her.
In Spokane, it extended. The second part would be me, in a suit and tie, sitting on the ground crying quietly to myself. My younger self would show up like I had done for her before and ask me what was wrong. Seeing her would make me even more upset and I would apologize for not being strong enough to her. I tell her that I can't be Graham. That I can't be Batman.
She would give a smile. Not really knowing how to comfort me like I had tried to comfort her before, she would offer me a toy. A little broken G.I. Joe that I loved to play with so much. He was missing an arm and part of his leg from the knee down. . .I played with it that much and continued to do so as he began to fall apart. She would take a seat next to me and lean against me and I would put my arm around her.
Her just being there, reminding me that I need to keep fighting for her. Keep trying for her because I said I would. Because she is me. And that's where it would end as that's where I feel I am.
I'm a confused lost individual who is all dressed up and no where to go as I don't know where I belong.
Lately, I've been thinking about that little girl. My younger me. My childhood.
I hated myself. I hated living and I hated how I looked. I was treated like shit by so many people. I believed I would die lonely, because I felt worthless. Everything I can think of that I really hated about myself back then, I've gotten a lot better about now. I've made improvements and continue to do so. But, it's not enough.
Looking in mirrors lately and being able to smile more liking the person I see, I feel I should be ecstatic about that simple fact. But, I'm still not happy with who I am. And I don't know what to do about it.
I've been looking at that little girl lately and realize something that I find kind of shocking.
My younger me, knew what she wanted. Knew who she was. She fought if people tried to stop her. She was assertive and certain. The only thing she had is the one big hole I have now. It's like I am trying to get back that piece of me I lost along the way.
I use to hate looking back on my childhood because of all the pain it had. Now I look back and think, "I miss you."
I feel a bit stupid about some of this. Especially the part about Graham. *Shrugs* There's another thing that I didn't mention as it doesn't relate to the comic I was trying to draw simply to express how I was feeling.
The Goo Goo Dolls. My all time favorite band. Their music means a lot to me and I feel like their music has been something that's always been there. It's always been there for me. And when I got to see them live. . .and some of their songs brought me to tears, I realized how important it is to me.
Last week I was driving home. It was too dark to see what CD I was pulling out to change to. It was one of the Goo Goo Doll CDs. I started singing. It was a song I didn't listen to much, but I still knew the words. I hit the chorus and broke down in tears. A song that had never made me cry before and I just started crying to.
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
I feel like I am trying to find that side of me I didn't even know I once had.