I feel like a horrible person for giggling so much at this Superbowl photo. But, I can't help it. ;~; ( And yes, it's really Gay )

It's all because Randall happens to be walking there at that exact moment that I find it so adorable and funny. If he wasn't there I wouldn't blink twice at the two Colts!

I grew up in a world with no depth perception. There are basic things I know about the world around me. If you've ever tried drawing a picture and making something 2D look 3D, you might have an idea of what I see everyday. There are certain "cues" an "signs" you pick up and just by knowing these things. . .you gain knowledge of depth.

This is normal to me. I can't imagine what sight is like for other people. When I watch 3D movies of today I wonder if that is what it is like. I have no idea!

Now, after having surgery years ago on my left eye. . .it was hard to adjust to and at some points I could see with both eyes at the same time. Doing some tests after the bandages came off showed that and it was really different. But just as the doctor explained, everything went back to my "normal".

I do recall one time when I was well enough to return to school. . .I was walking down a hallway and it was so weird. It was a strange sensation and honestly a little frightening. It was just different and I don't know how to explain it.

I only bring this up because lately with whatever is wrong with me. . .I find it trouble to focus my sight sometimes. Things go blurry, usually when I am feeling very weak or drained. But then. . .three times today I found myself walking and seeing/feeling the same sensation again. Like I was seeing the world with two eyes.

Switching gears. . .I had a strange dream last night: ( Tra la la )

My goal for this weekend isn't going to happen.

I don't mean to constantly whine and hey, even I feel like I am making this all up, but I really don't feel well. I feel like my brain is not communicating with my body 100% of the time.

Majority of my life I was conditioned to just "tough it out" and I got good at faking "good health." That's getting harder and harder for me now.

I'm just really weak this weekend with headaches.

Today I had an appetite though. So I made some mini bagel pizzas. Om nom nom. ♥

Today has just been a weird day. Been zoning out to United States of Tara this evening and oh my goodness. . .this show. It's so fucking awesome.

My mother lent it to me and she told me about it. A mom named Tara with multiple personalities, T the wild teenager, Buck the man who had is man-bits blown off in Vietnam, and Alice the woman straight out of the Stepford Wives.

Too hilarious. Anyway, the whole point of this entry is to get one thing off my chest. ( Minor Rant )

I got 10.5 hours of sleep last night. About 8:00pm I began feeling really weak and eventually decided to lay down and sleep. I didn't get anything I wanted to accomplish last night done. Motivation is just so hard lately.

But yes, 10.5 hours of sleep. Wow. I had some crazy dreams too.

One was about SakuraCon and it was really weird. In my mind I am dressed as a Sailor Moon character, but I really have no idea what character wears the glittery-beaded-rainbow dress that I had on. I see two Gundam cosplayers ( Yes. Gundams. Not pilots. ) and go running over to one with the intention of asking him how long they would be here so I could come back as Graham.

Instead I just start pretending I am Graham and yet the guy seemed to be on the same page as me. As I am going through my planned spiel, pieces of his costume are disappearing. This doesn't seem strange to either of us.

( Cut for Length )

Been having a bad day. Called a doctor and they can see me today at 3:00pm. Stroke of luck? I'll let you know details tonight.

I finally found something online that describes what I am going through and even includes the "symptom" I feel everyone is forgetting. It also says it happens gradually and usually goes undiagnosed for several months and even years because the symptoms gradually build over time and at first appear to be other problems.

But it is kind of serious so I am hoping I am just out in left field with this.

Edit: Back. More blood work and some other tests. Even though I had a good red blood count 5 weeks ago, she is really concerned about all my blood loss and being tested for anemia again. Also being tested for diabetes again. She said if I am at the beginning stages of it, my blood work might not show it right away. ( My last test was fine. )

But like the last doctor I saw, she doesn't want to do anything yet until my test results are back next week.

One good thing out of this is I haven't lost any weight since last time. That has been a concern of mine. Having no appetite and forcing myself to eat everyday, I was expecting some weight loss. But absolutely none! Yay!

I miss feeling physically "normal". I don't know if the things I am feeling have to deal with whatever is wrong with me, a result of whatever is wrong with me, or simply a case of "I hate my job." type of thing.

This has been going on for so long that I can't even recall how I use to be like. I'm not just imagining that there was a time where I could walk up a set of stairs without losing my breath, right?

( Details. And Cut for Length )

Edit: I am feeling better, though I still don't want to eat. Yet another thing that happens. Sometimes I wake up fine and won't feel good during the day, sometimes I will wake up feeling horrible and feel better during the day, and sometimes it will come at night. :/ I never know what the day brings.

I WILL FINISH TWO CHIBI COMICS, DAMNIT.

I will. I say two, because I am working on two at the same time currently. Along with meme sketches, oh my goodness, meme sketches. I realized I don't really know any of the characters requested, so if I draw them a bit OOC. . .ah, oops? Ha ha ha, it's all good and fun. I like the one I am working on right now because of facial expressions.

But yes, chibi comics. That is my goal this weekend. GOAL. I WILL ACCOMPLISH THIS. It has been decided.

After I finish cleaning the apartment. Which isn't much. Just take out some boxes, some broken shelves, straighten up a little, and vacuum. That's all I have left. Take me an hour and a half or something. I also need to take an hour walk to figure out where my doctor is. ( Apparently he is at the hospital and looking at Google maps I got mighty confused. So I am going to walk there and figure it out. )

I need to finish these two because I want to draw my chibis and porn ideas. And what I mean is, chibis reacting to finding porn online. It's lollarious. Oh Graham~

I thought if I stopped caring, things would be easier. I wouldn't get upset, mad, or angry anymore. No matter how hard I try, I kept caring. I still cared.

Last week was hell. It's been hell for some time now. This week has been different even though nothing at work has really changed. It didn't dawn on my yesterday, but today it hit me.

I don't care anymore. I've stopped caring. It happened.

All my stress is gone even though my workload hasn't changed. Even though the pressures are still there. Since I stopped caring, there is no stress, but there is also no motivation.

I feel lied to, taken advantage of, and part of me feels regret for taking this job over the one in California. So now that I stopped caring, there is no motivation in what I do. Only when I am working on something I feel might be good for landing me a different job do I actually care some.

Someone got upset with me today, and I knew where he was coming from. I've been in his position so many times before. I didn't care. Making an ad today I just put up their logo, copied a picture off their website, put on some text and sent it back for approval. . .something I normally take time on. Normally I look over a client's website, pull colors off, do my best to match their font and message, take care in selecting photography from our stock-images, and make a well balanced ad. But I don't care anymore.

I use to think I knew what "work" felt like. Those days where you are overwhelmed and doing something "not fun." was always "work." No. Work is definitely coming in and sitting down and just doing what is asked of you without any thought or emotion. Just going through the motions knowing that in 9 hours you get to go home and be able to think and feel again.

I really don't care anymore.

My work is a joke.

It's really cold. It's supposedly 62 in my apartment, but I think that's a lie. Everyday now for the last few days, I have had headaches. I woke up with one today that was so bad that for a moment I didn't understand what was going on ( my alarm going off. )

Head. Ow.

Send cookies.

</whine>

The voices world inside my head. It's expanding. I did not need this. I feared this day would come. And I blame the tao drumming I saw this evening. ( Which was awesome by the way. )

So. Okay. I know all I talk about is Gundam 00 and possibly whatever video game I am playing at the time. That it seems to be what I live and breathe, I know. But what I think about most often in terms of characters and story are my own creations.

I just don't ever talk about them because I feel weird knowing that no one knows the story like I do for obvious reasons. I even get the weird little feeling of, "I don't want to spoil anything!" as if I was going to someday learn enough patience to draw the comic in my head or have it somehow magically become a TV-show. *lol*

So on that note, I know this might not make any sense, but oh well. I'm going to ramble about what's going on in my head. *Takes a deep breath.* ( Down the rabbit hole. )

Sp I got two packages today that confused the hello out of me. In my mind I kept thinking about a wig I ordered and a doll. So then Mia brings me this big light box asking me what I got.

I was confused. Turned out it was Haro. I was excited. Ha ha ha.

Later in the day, another coworker brings me a package, setting it on my desk and heads off. I blink. It's a bag type package with "MILITARY SUPPLIER" slapped on it and other stuff that has me slightly worried and HIGHLY confused.

I pick it up and it feels a bit heavier than expected and thick and I am even more confused at this point. So I open it and find my cargo pants I ordered for Klavier. Um. Yeah. Talk about heavy duty pants. They are totally made for walking through weeds and brush and stickers. ( My first thought when taking them out of the package is, "I could go hunting in these!" )

Getting home I try them on and yeah, waist and length are perfect, but everything else. . .far from. I was still disturbed ( yet amused ) that I ordered such heavy duty pants ( Totally worth the $30. ) and went online. I bought these from ebay ( lol, oh ebay. ) and since they were the smallest available. . .I goggled.

Found the same exact pants. On multiple military websites. The ebay made no listing of this except for BDU WHICH I LEARNED stands for Battle Dress Uniform. LOL. I had no idea. Awesome.

The websites have smaller sizes that will fit better and since they are perfect otherwise. I'm just amused that Klavier, a fricken lawyer/rockstar has battle dress uniform pants and Graham has women's dress pants I picked up at Macy's.

In other news, I GOT A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT NEXT THURSDAY, GUYS! I am so excited. Third doc is the charm, right? RIGHT?!

I so love my room. It was a lot of work, but it was so worth it. I think it's awesome. In general, I love my apartment. So much more awesome than my last even though this place doesn't have exposed brick and built in selves and giant windows I can stand in.

I still have a few things I need to fix up, but I will get there. Once it is all done and spiffy, I shall take pics.

Now, just realized it is the end of January and I haven't received a parking permit again, so I am off to go abandon my car somewhere and hope it will be safe for the next few days until they give me it.

This weekend has been good so far. I've lived in this place since October and yet never really "settled in" you could say. So yesterday I was cleaning and organizing things. Made a ton of progress.

I am finally at a good point where I will hang up pictures which is what I am doing today. Take out trash that has collected, finish cleaning, and vacuum! Huzzah! I feel really good about my apartment now.

I even organized my junk drawer yesterday. Insanity!

I need to clean my bathroom all over again. I made such a mess in there the other night when scarrin' up mah face. Ha ha ha.

I seriously need curtains for the living room. Maybe that will be next week's adventure.

If you ever played FFXII:

In my dream, I give up and go to the hospital for whatever is wrong with me. I went with two people who seemed to be friends of mine in the dream.

I get taken to the back area just past the ER, changed into one of those fancy hospital gowns, and get into a bed. My friends were chatting with me and keeping me company. I get offered some food I don't eat and they took some blood and a weird test where they wave a wand around me. Like a metal detector you see at airports.

My friends try to get me to eat, but I refuse. I then get up for some reason, take a few steps, and collapse. Everything in my dream goes black. I hear someone scream my name, and it is all slow and sounds a little weird.

I feel someone pick me up and my head falls back. I try to open my eyes, but I can't seem to move at all. I feel like I am laying down straight again, then I suddenly jerk, gasp, and slowly open my eyes. There are several people around me and a crash cart next to me. A woman doctor moves over to stand over to me and says I shouldn't get up again.

I close my eyes and hear her tell me quickly that I need to try and stay awake, to keep my eyes open, but I can't.

When I finally do there had been a lapse of time. Some x-rays had been done and I find myself with the doctor holding an image of my head. Inside there is this long white coil like image and she explains I have a parasite in my brain. There are others throughout my body and the reason behind my heart attack and my irregular periods. She said they all came from the one in my head and it is the reason why I feel so weak all the time and some of my other problems. She finally ends that there is nothing that can be done and I will probably die within the year.

Then a text woke me up.

How To Report The News - Watch more Funny Videos

Now you too can be a reporter for a news station.

And yes, my tag says "youtube". I'll change the name of the tag to "video" later.

I woke up this morning and was not happy. I felt like I had hunger shakes, high anxiety, and still had no desire to eat. I went to work feeling this way ( and I did eat something. ) and decided to just cut out early and head to Tri-Cities.

I get there super early and meet my mother for lunch. By then I have had 2 liters of water. Oi.

Anyway. Had some good food, but during lunch I get a phone call from the doctor saying that he was called away and they need to reschedule. I'm not kidding. I understand, but I drove 2 hours and it is a medical office. I ask if there is anyone who could see me.

They say they are busy and this other doctor won't be in until much later. I bring up that I came in all the way from Spokane ( they were only giving me an hour's notice. ) and ready to go in to the sob story that I'm about ready to lose my mind here.

She puts me on hold, my mother and I discuss the option of going to this emergency clinic that both of us have gone to and that is fairly nice in town. The nurse gets back on and tells me someone named Erik can see me 30 minutes from my original appointment time. Cool.

I was still a little shaken up since I wasn't going to see my actual doctor. . .the whole reason for going to Tri-Cities, and so my mother comes around the table and goes to give me a hug. But she stops, backs away, and looks conflicted.

You see. Turns out my parents have scabies right now which means no physical contact with other people and that in itself is a hilarious story with another "I hate doctors!" moment. It made me laugh so hard to see her expression. I felt better with that.

Anyway. Go to the doctor, it is so dead there. Apparently, no lead doctor was there. Erik is an assistant to my doctor who sat with me. They ( He and the nurse ) were happy to see my labs and went back to look them over. ( Has probably everything there. I am so ecstatic that my calcium level is smack dab in the middle. I'm lactose intolerant. This is a big concern for me! )

He came back, a bit frustrated over what to do. Basically don't know what it is and told me I need to see a Gynecologist for this. He doesn't want to put me on birth control before seeing one and there isn't any other tests that could be done.

He recommended that until I get in to see one, to take 800mg of ibuprofen three times a day. So 12 tablets a day. To do this during my periods to make it less of a pain.

My only worry was I called two Gyn's several months ago and was told it would be, well, several months. He's referring me to one in Spokane ( He's from Spokane! ) so. . .hopefully, for the love of everything. . .I GET IN BEFORE I COMPLETELY LOSE MY MIND.

I really don't feel good this morning.

On twitter, if someone is tweeting at me on a regular basis or a few times that day. . .that's when I peek at my followers to see who is new and following me and if I should follow anyone back.

So today, someone made a few comments and so I checked out my followers. This is when I noticed a certain account that was following me. My internal thoughts went something like this:

Me: @GrahamGtsAround? *Snickers* What bot is this? RP account? *Clicks*
Me: Only two pic tweets. I'm at work, better not. Wait. Mia is following him? How is Mia following a Graham and I am not?
Me: *Decides to click on a picture*
Me: !!!
Me: THAT'S MY WORK! THAT'S MY GRAHAM. OMG. THAT'S HERE AT WORK WITH MY GRAHAM.

No matter where I go, it seems my coworkers like to play with my toys. I am so amused.

What amuses me most is that I position Graham in a certain way, so when he gets moved. . .I notice. Yet I couldn't tell that he had been moved. Hmmm.